No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service
How often do we who are in positions of authority: parenting, teaching or guiding in some way, forget that our words and the way we present ideas to those we are leading have considerable impact? If I’m being honest, I’ve fallen in this trap more than I’d care to admit! In my experience working with children and neurodiverse individuals on behaviors and functioning in society, I have realized that the overwhelming majority of rules from said authority figures start with “No.” “No, you can't act that way.” “No, you need to stop doing that thing.” “No, that is not the expectation.” “No. Can't touch. Can't act. Can't speak. Can't present. Can't exist. In that way.” “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” Often the intention is rooted in helpful advice and support; however, this presentation of rules can create confusion and shame in children both neurodiverse and neurotypical that can have lasting impacts into adulthood.
What if instead of starting with the “no” we start with the “yes”? “Yes, your interest is valid. Let's try it this way.” “Yes, you can touch it if you ask permission.” “Yes, we can talk about that later.” “Yes, you are allowed to exist in this way; however, sometimes other people don’t respond well to that. If that’s what you want to do, I’ll help you through it.” Not only does this encourage our children and even adults to embrace their creativity and growth, it provides structure and understanding within rules and expectations in a way that teaches how to act and engage within social situations instead of trying to put out all the fires that come with only saying no.
You may be thinking that this is easy and of course you want to present the information in this way; however, as a society we tend to expect the expectations to be inherent which makes this approach deceptively difficult. As social creatures, we anticipate that everyone thinks and acts and believes the same way that we do unless we are directly confronted with this. In neurotypical individuals especially, we know that while pattern recognition may be strong, social rules of engagement are more difficult to understand and implement. By providing expectations of what is expected instead of what is not expected, we allow these individuals to have a look into the unspoken rules in a way that is engaging, clear, and most importantly, inclusive.
We can start this pattern in childhood. Parents, teachers, and caregivers have all been in a situation where they realize they are trying to put out fires and extinguish behaviors instead of preemptively avoiding them to begin with. If this is something that you are recognizing in yourself, try reteaching the expectations with yes at the forefront. What IS acceptable behavior instead of what is NOT acceptable behavior? Try taking time to explain the reasoning and thought behind these rules, especially the rules that seem obvious or like they are societal expectations. Explain the reasoning of these rules to yourself and see if you can find the loopholes and confusion that your children or the people that you are leading may run into. A warning to those trying this for the first time: you may realize the unspoken rules are not really rules at all and we often have no clue why they are there in the first place!
